Makeup

My daughter has just started a makeup blog….help her out & check it out.  Give her ideas of things she can do & make suggestions!!!  So proud of her for wanting to follow her dream to become a professional makeup artist!!!

margaretbrantleymakeup.blogspot.com

Bipolar quote for the day…

Think you’re crazy!!!

MISERABLE…

Things have been pretty busy for me and not in a good kind of way.  I’ve been
going through one of the worst depressions that I’ve been through in a
long time.  About a month and half ago, I tried to overdose on some
pills.  I knew that I wasn’t taking enough to do me in but it wouldn’t
have bothered me if I didn’t wake up.  No one even noticed – I was sick
for a few days from that – the only words I can use to describe how sick
and bad I felt was like straight ass.  Life has definitely been pretty
miserable for me lately.  I can’t win for losing it seems like.  I’ve
really been incapable of doing much, which I have been fussed out a few
times for.  Like I said ~MISERABLE.
My Dr. has tried putting me on a fairly new antidepressant called
Fetzima (the FDA just approved it for use in July of last year).  Then,
he was afraid I might go into a mania so he took me off my Zoloft &
Wellbutrin.  Needless to say, that didn’t go over to well and he at
least added back my Wellbutrin.  I ended up going back to up to the max
dose of that and I’m at the max dose for the Fetzima as well.  I’ve not
noticed a big difference to be right honest, but I’m trying to keep some
kind of hope because they say the Fetzima usually takes eight weeks to
notice any difference.  Who knows though how that will go?  It really
sucks being me.  He also referred me to UNC for possible ECT treatments.
Well, I went to UNC and had a consultation with the Associate Professor
of Psychiatry.  She said that she would have the ultimate decision
whether she would agree to do it or not.  Well, of course, I was a shoe
in for it and agreed to do it if I was willing to.  She said with all
the other labels I had plus the new one she put on me, that my rate for
improvement for the depression was only 20 to 50%.  She told me that it
didn’t help that meds don’t seem to help for me and if they do than I
usually have to come off of them because my body has developed a
tolerance or dyskinesia from it, so it’s like a lose, lose situation for
me.  Anyway, I told her that I would put some thought into it and go
from there.  It’s kinda scary to think of all the side effects from it
such as memory loss, having to have it done twice a week for the next
nine to twelve weeks and there’s still no guarantee that it will help. 
The new label that is now a part of my permanent record too is
borderline personality disorder.  I’ve taken that diagnosis really hard
being that I already have so many.  She told me that it’s hard to detect
because it mimics bipolar 1 in a lot of ways.  I was like Fuck My Life –
excuse my language.  She also said that I needed to start DBT therapy
because she thinks it would help with my coping skills.

After that the shit really hit the fan, if it wasn’t one thing it was
another & it always came down to me having to help out somebody and
listen to all their problems as well.  As if, I didn’t have enough of my
own and I don’t discuss my problems with people.  It’s just easier that
way because they really don’t care, they’ll talk about you behind your
back, they don’t understand even though unless they have the problems
that I have then there is no way that they can understand (which they
don’t), and the fact that they’ll end up using it against you.  I’ve
learned that lesson the hard way unfortunately.  Anyway, with all the
bad news and everything going wrong for me, my anxiety attacks were
getting worse.  I can’t even recall the amount of times I would have to
pull my car over because I would feel like I couldn’t breathe, sometimes
uncontrollable crying, and my heart would be pounding so hard that I
could actually hear it in my eardrums if that makes any since.  I ended
up seeing my doctor who wanted to up my klonopin some but I knew that I
was already taking two milligrams with no relief in sight.  Let’s just
say, he got to see one of my panic attacks because I had a total
meltdown right there in his office.  He was like do you think that I’m
not listening to you and I was like YES.  I’ve been at times up to five
milligrams of klonopin and he wants to think that’s going to help.  He
finally agreed that I was probably right and put me on Valium – I take
10 mgs in the morning & 15/20 mgs at night.  It still wasn’t enough to
really help me sleep because I would just lie in bed and just lay there.
 That’s with taking the Valium at night, 8 mgs of Rozerem, and he ended
up putting me on trazadone too.  He got the report back from UNC and
definitely suggested me go through with the DBT program and said that I
would have to get that from Alice who was my therapist.  Of course, I
couldn’t just ask…I had to make an appointment with her so there went
another $90 out the window just to get the information that I needed. 
No, I still don’t have insurance, unfortunately my husband's work has been extremely
slow with all the bad weather, so that meant no insurance for Amy.  I
went through the Healthcare.gov site and found that I could get
insurance but it would cost me $400 per month.  Probably doesn’t seem
like much but with all the bills and having to go to doctors; it seems
to be a lose, lose situation for me because it takes thirty days before
my insurance goes into effect – blah.  
The best DBT program around here is at Duke so I made an appointment &
my cash discount to see the psychologist/psychiatrist is $163 which I
have to go once a week.  Also, in a few weeks, I will start having group
therapy which is another $75 out of my pocket and will have to go to
once a week.   What’s sad is they told me that was a 50% discount since
I didn’t have insurance.  I about fell out, but got to do what you got
to do.  I really ended up liking the psychologist I saw which was a
total surprise for me because I’m usually very uncomfortable.  I’ve been
seeing my therapist off and on for a few years now & I didn’t even tell
her half the stuff I told this psychologist.  She even told me that she
thought that she thinks that Paul is emotionally abusive and uses my
issues to try and control me and make me feel even worse.  I was like,
finally, someone agrees with me.  Usually, I hear that he’s just trying
to help out and that he was doing the best he could – bullshit.  No one
deserves to be treated the way he treats me. No he has never hurt me but
sometimes I think to myself that I would rather be slapped than being
talked to the way he talks to me, tries to control my every move and
treats me like a possession rather than a person.  I’ve really gotten to
the point of despising him to be right honest.  I’ve tried stating to
fact that I’d like to go somewhere and have some time to myself, but for
some reason he thinks that includes him going as well.  I don’t know how
to make myself any clearer but it’s just a lost cause.  I really need to
get away from here. I’ve got to have a calming environment which is definitely
not the case around here – if it’s not one thing it’s another. 
Definitely, in the state I’m in, it’s not a good thing.  What’s sad is I
think I’d be doing better in the hospital than being here. 

This is me….

I’m always trying to keep everyone happy because I don’t want them to feel the pain that I’m in.

Reflecting on life…

I often sit back and wonder why I’m so down.  I have a great life and the people that are in it are good to me, but it’s just not enough and I don’t know why.  My husband is everything you want, everything you need, and everything inside of you that you wished you could be.  The thing is he means nothing to me and I don’t know why.  What is wrong with me?  It’s as if I’m on the search for something more.

Ugh!!!

There’s so much sadness surrounding me…I want to be happy.  What is wrong with me?  No matter what medication I take, it doesn’t seem to work.  I’m in cognitive therapy which I think is a joke.  I usually feel worse when my hour is up.  Is this the way life is really supposed to be?  I feel so hopeless and desperate for something to change.

Agitation

When the agitation starts, my skin feels as if it is moving somehow.  I feel the blood throughout my veins.  I feel the constant need to move around.  I no longer stand still.  Everything is so different even your thought process is not the same.  I do not like to be touched.  It almost hurts really and this resentment arises from the midst.

Noises are so magnified and irritating.  It’s like you hear everything.  Everything seems so clear and you can even hear the insects in the distance.

My mind races so much more on days like these.  Every second there seems to be a change of thought.  The thoughts run together and become jumbled.  It becomes ineligible to process those thoughts anymore.

Who knows how long this will take to pass?  I feel as if I have truly gone insane.

Sigh!

Oh how bipolar ruins one’s life.  I can’t understand why I have no impulse control.  What’s bad is I know better but I can’t stop myself.  Is it me?  Am I really that screwed up?  Sometimes, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.  What’s a girl to do!

Suffering

I have to say that living on this roller coaster is never as much fun as it seems to be at times.  Even in mania, there are the racing thoughts that constantly run through your head.  The agitation is so unbearable at times.  A feeling of inner suffering that is completely different than when you are down.  Why do things have to be so hard?

I try hard to maintain but I always seem to fail.  I take my meds like I’m supposed to and I still suffer.  Granite, without meds I would be worse.  I just feel as if there is only one answer at times.  Sometimes, it’s just more than I can bare.

Self-destruction…

Self-destructive thoughts are entering my mind. I can’t make them stop or go away. I feel the need to act on them. I want to runaway and have some adventurous affair. I want to be sexually devoured in a way that only one man has been able to do to some degree. I want more of it and unfortunately this man is not my husband. My husband is good to me but I want something more. I need adventure! I need my freedom! I don’t feel like I’m manic but I may be. I’m bored with life and all the responsibility that comes with it. I don’t want to have a care in the world. I want to deplete the bank account and take a trip. Just close my eyes and point to a place on the map. Oh, what fun that would be. The things I could do and the fun that I could have.

I’m trying to keep it together and not self-destruct but it’s getting harder by the day!