Sigh!

Oh how bipolar ruins one’s life.  I can’t understand why I have no impulse control.  What’s bad is I know better but I can’t stop myself.  Is it me?  Am I really that screwed up?  Sometimes, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.  What’s a girl to do!

Suffering

I have to say that living on this roller coaster is never as much fun as it seems to be at times.  Even in mania, there are the racing thoughts that constantly run through your head.  The agitation is so unbearable at times.  A feeling of inner suffering that is completely different than when you are down.  Why do things have to be so hard?

I try hard to maintain but I always seem to fail.  I take my meds like I’m supposed to and I still suffer.  Granite, without meds I would be worse.  I just feel as if there is only one answer at times.  Sometimes, it’s just more than I can bare.

Self-destruction…

Self-destructive thoughts are entering my mind. I can’t make them stop or go away. I feel the need to act on them. I want to runaway and have some adventurous affair. I want to be sexually devoured in a way that only one man has been able to do to some degree. I want more of it and unfortunately this man is not my husband. My husband is good to me but I want something more. I need adventure! I need my freedom! I don’t feel like I’m manic but I may be. I’m bored with life and all the responsibility that comes with it. I don’t want to have a care in the world. I want to deplete the bank account and take a trip. Just close my eyes and point to a place on the map. Oh, what fun that would be. The things I could do and the fun that I could have.

I’m trying to keep it together and not self-destruct but it’s getting harder by the day!