Dull

I feel so dead inside.  I have that very numb feeling that I’ve come to know all to well.  There is nothing that I want to do.  There is no one that I want to see.  I want to be alone which can be a dangerous thing.  During these times, I’ve generally enjoyed cutting myself just to feel something.  It’s so hard not having any emotions whatsoever.  I’m not happy.  I’m not sad.  I’m just dull in comparison.  I never understand why I am this way.  No one has ever truly explained it to me.

I never know how long these spells will last.  Sometimes a day or even a week.  I hate being like this.  I don’t enjoy anything.  I get no satisfaction in the things that I do.  There’s just nothingness if that’s even a word.  How do I break the spell that I’m under?  What do I do to stop feeling like this – so cold and so numb.  Nothing matters not even my children which is a horrible thing to say, but it’s the truth.  And the truth hurts once I regain my emotions.  I generally feel so overwhelmed with guilt.  Oh well, I guess that there’s nothing I can do but wait for this to pass.  Sigh!